It's not true....you can snope it here: Snopes.com
But it SOUNDS like it could be true! And it's just plain funny. If you go by Leno on the street, it ain't that far-fetched!
A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane?!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
[C~B~N took a call one time from some yankee lady working for some insurance conglomerate who wanted to speak to a billing dept for a Dr.'s office. I explained the office was not in yet but if she would call back at 8am they would be in and could transfer her call to billing. She said it was already 8am. I inquired from where she was calling and it was like Michigan. I explained we are CST {central standard time} and were an hour behind her timewise that it was only 7:15am. She then proceeded to argue with me going so far as to state I needed to learn how to tell time! I told her POLITELY one more time to call back in 45 minutes as it would then be 8am in the STATE OF TEXAS and hung up on the crazy fool!!!]
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it, I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal ), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
Top of Page
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Some should keep their mouths shut
We've got to pause and ask
ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
(Me and mine need 99.9% clean air
mr. iacocca; you and yours, on
the other hand, may have my
.1% I don't need.....)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever,
because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
USA contest.
(Think she won? Who remembers?
Who cares?)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey --
(Gee, what a thoughtful, sensitive
person!)
*******************************
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've
lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
(Think she got the job?)
Top of Page
ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
(Me and mine need 99.9% clean air
mr. iacocca; you and yours, on
the other hand, may have my
.1% I don't need.....)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever,
because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
USA contest.
(Think she won? Who remembers?
Who cares?)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey --
(Gee, what a thoughtful, sensitive
person!)
*******************************
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've
lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
(Think she got the job?)
Top of Page
Visual Statistics
Running the Numbers
An American Self-Portrait
This new series looks at contemporary
American culture through the austere
lens of statistics.
Each image portrays a specific
quantity of something: fifteen million
sheets of office paper (five minutes of
paper use); 106,000 aluminum cans
(thirty seconds of can consumption)
and so on.
My hope is that images representing
these quantities might have a different
effect than the raw numbers alone,
such as we find daily in articles and
books. Statistics can feel abstract
and anesthetizing, making it difficult
to connect with and make meaning
of 3.6 million SUV sales in one year,
for example, or 2.3 million Americans
in prison, or 426,000 cell phones
retired every day.
This project visually examines these
vast and bizarre measures of our
society, in large intricately detailed
prints assembled from thousands of
smaller photographs.
My only caveat about this series is
that the prints must be seen in person
to be experienced the way they are
intended. As with any large artwork,
their scale carries a vital part of their
substance which is lost in these little
web images.
Hopefully the JPEGs displayed here
might be enough to arouse your
curiosity to attend an exhibition, or
to arrange one if you are in a position
to do so. The series is a work in progress,
and new images will be posted as they
are completed, so please stay tuned.
~chris jordan, Seattle, 2007
Chris Jordan art
Top of Page
An American Self-Portrait
This new series looks at contemporary
American culture through the austere
lens of statistics.
Each image portrays a specific
quantity of something: fifteen million
sheets of office paper (five minutes of
paper use); 106,000 aluminum cans
(thirty seconds of can consumption)
and so on.
My hope is that images representing
these quantities might have a different
effect than the raw numbers alone,
such as we find daily in articles and
books. Statistics can feel abstract
and anesthetizing, making it difficult
to connect with and make meaning
of 3.6 million SUV sales in one year,
for example, or 2.3 million Americans
in prison, or 426,000 cell phones
retired every day.
This project visually examines these
vast and bizarre measures of our
society, in large intricately detailed
prints assembled from thousands of
smaller photographs.
My only caveat about this series is
that the prints must be seen in person
to be experienced the way they are
intended. As with any large artwork,
their scale carries a vital part of their
substance which is lost in these little
web images.
Hopefully the JPEGs displayed here
might be enough to arouse your
curiosity to attend an exhibition, or
to arrange one if you are in a position
to do so. The series is a work in progress,
and new images will be posted as they
are completed, so please stay tuned.
~chris jordan, Seattle, 2007
Chris Jordan art
Top of Page
Beer
Two Arabs boarded a flight out
of New York after a hockey game.
One sat in the window seat and
the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American
got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked
his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I think
I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the American,
"I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the
Arabs picked up the American's
shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the beer,
the other Arab said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the American obligingly
went to fetch the beer and while
he was gone the other Arab picked
up the American's other shoe and
spat in it.
When the American returned to
his seat, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the
American slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened .
"Why does it have to be this way?"
he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?
Top of Page
of New York after a hockey game.
One sat in the window seat and
the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American
got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked
his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I think
I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the American,
"I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the
Arabs picked up the American's
shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the beer,
the other Arab said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the American obligingly
went to fetch the beer and while
he was gone the other Arab picked
up the American's other shoe and
spat in it.
When the American returned to
his seat, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the
American slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened .
"Why does it have to be this way?"
he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?
Top of Page
Kill it dead!
Hewlitt Packard use to make a fantastic
printer. Having recently bought and
then returned one, I understand this
soldier's frustration...in fact, had I had
JUST a shotgun, I'da killed mine!
HP Printer and Soldiers
Top of Page
printer. Having recently bought and
then returned one, I understand this
soldier's frustration...in fact, had I had
JUST a shotgun, I'da killed mine!
HP Printer and Soldiers
Top of Page
Thoughts from a bathroom Philosopher
If pro is opposite of con, then what is
the opposite of progress?
Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of
Representatives.
Washington, D.C.
Top of Page
the opposite of progress?
Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of
Representatives.
Washington, D.C.
Top of Page
Saturday, August 11, 2007
The Bank
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer
your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person!
My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
if I am not at home .
# 7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier
# 8. To return to the main menu and
to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to
press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I Snoped it
But it was too funny NOT to blog!
Top of Page
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer
your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person!
My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
if I am not at home .
# 7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier
# 8. To return to the main menu and
to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to
press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I Snoped it
But it was too funny NOT to blog!
Top of Page
Harsh Laws?
1. There will be no special bilingual programs
in the schools, no special ballots for elections,
and all government business will be conducted
in our language.
2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote,
no matter how long they are here.
3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold
political office.
4. Foreigners will not be a burden to the
taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps,
no health care, nor any other government
assistance programs.
5. Foreigners can invest in this country,
but it must be an amount equal to 40,000
times the daily minimum wage.
6. If foreigners do come and want to buy
land that will be okay, BUT options will
be restricted. You are not allowed to own
waterfront property. That property is
reserved for citizens naturally born into
this country.
7. Foreigners may not protest; no
demonstrations, no waving a foreign
flag, no political organizing, no
"bad-mouthing" our president or his
policies. If you do you will be sent home.
8. If you do come to this country illegally,
you will be hunted down and sent straight
to jail.
Too Harsh, you say ?...
The above laws happen to be the immigration
laws of MEXICO !
Top of Page
in the schools, no special ballots for elections,
and all government business will be conducted
in our language.
2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote,
no matter how long they are here.
3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold
political office.
4. Foreigners will not be a burden to the
taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps,
no health care, nor any other government
assistance programs.
5. Foreigners can invest in this country,
but it must be an amount equal to 40,000
times the daily minimum wage.
6. If foreigners do come and want to buy
land that will be okay, BUT options will
be restricted. You are not allowed to own
waterfront property. That property is
reserved for citizens naturally born into
this country.
7. Foreigners may not protest; no
demonstrations, no waving a foreign
flag, no political organizing, no
"bad-mouthing" our president or his
policies. If you do you will be sent home.
8. If you do come to this country illegally,
you will be hunted down and sent straight
to jail.
Too Harsh, you say ?...
The above laws happen to be the immigration
laws of MEXICO !
Top of Page
Friday, August 10, 2007
FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA
(Federal Housing Administration) loan
for a client. He was told that the loan
would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title
to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to
track down.
After sending the information to FHA,
he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note
that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment
the able manner in which you prepared
and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared the
Title to the proposed collateral property
back to the year 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be
necessary to clear the title back to its
origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case
No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have Titles extended
further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property
arena, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the U.S. from France
in 1803, the year of origin identified
in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right
of Conquest from Spain. The land came
into possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of
seeking a new route to India by the then
reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the
FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son
of God. And God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana.
"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may
we have our Title?
Top of Page
(Federal Housing Administration) loan
for a client. He was told that the loan
would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title
to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to
track down.
After sending the information to FHA,
he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note
that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment
the able manner in which you prepared
and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared the
Title to the proposed collateral property
back to the year 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be
necessary to clear the title back to its
origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case
No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have Titles extended
further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property
arena, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the U.S. from France
in 1803, the year of origin identified
in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right
of Conquest from Spain. The land came
into possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of
seeking a new route to India by the then
reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the
FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son
of God. And God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana.
"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may
we have our Title?
Top of Page
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Price of oil
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC !!!
Any Questions ???
NO?
I didn't Think So.
Top of Page
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC !!!
Any Questions ???
NO?
I didn't Think So.
Top of Page
Sunday, April 15, 2007
The Tax Man Cometh
C~B~N is LOL as this is exactly MY case! Really, ID theft could only help! LOL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.
There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand.
"The poll tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.
"Ay-yuh," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young whippersnapper of an I.R.S. auditor decides to make a name for himself by auditing a synogogue. He goes over their books with a microscope, insisting that the Rabbi explain every detail of running the syngogue, down to what they do with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, habdalah, and Hannukah candles.
The Rabbi is more than happy to show the irritating little beaurocrat that nothing goes to waste, so he explains that all the wax drippings are saved, then shipped back to the candle factory, who sends the synogogue a little pack of free candles with their next order.
"What about the Matzo crumbs from the Passover?" the IRS auditor asks him.
That's easy the Rabbi answers with a twinkle in his eye. We send them back to the kosher bakery, and they send us back a little extra matzo with our next order.
The obnoxious auditor is determined to get the best of the Rabbi. "I know you're a Moyel as well as a Rabbi", he says. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?
The Rabbi smiles. "We send them off to Washington D.C. and they send us back a little prick like you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey, this IS a politically "incorrect" funny bone tickler!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Saturday, February 24, 2007
My new Lexus
I got a new Lexus 350 for Christmas and returned it to the
dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from
the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia On My
Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say,"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles,"I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my
new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, "A~~ Holes!" Immediately the French National
Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara
Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie
Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan
Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry
Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Man! I LOVE this car!
Top of Page
dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from
the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia On My
Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say,"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles,"I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my
new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, "A~~ Holes!" Immediately the French National
Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara
Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie
Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan
Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry
Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Man! I LOVE this car!
Top of Page
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Home Economics For Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! (This one I could use~~I'm constantly swooping down to wipe up the floor pattern!!!!)
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. (Yeah, but then you have to BUY tupperware. Butter dishes are only pennies AND you get butter!)
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill. (Sell them to that teenager who wants the 'ripped' look and will pay $50 for them!!! There's a SUCKER born every minute...!)
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty. (Nope, this is a FEMALE one; not a guy one!!!)
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.
Top of Page
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! (This one I could use~~I'm constantly swooping down to wipe up the floor pattern!!!!)
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. (Yeah, but then you have to BUY tupperware. Butter dishes are only pennies AND you get butter!)
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill. (Sell them to that teenager who wants the 'ripped' look and will pay $50 for them!!! There's a SUCKER born every minute...!)
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty. (Nope, this is a FEMALE one; not a guy one!!!)
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.
Top of Page
MORE Stupid Political Quotes
Don't know who said them....but I've no doubt they could've been said! This came from an Arcamax daily funny. They received it from a reader and therefore were unable to verify if these were really said....out loud....by the "SMART" people running OUR country!!!
C~B~N is LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I resent your insinuendoes." {New word! Insinuate + inuendos = insinuendoes!}
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." {Oxymoron = elected to office!}
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle {I REALLY wish he'd become a Democrat...If YOU don't know what Congress is made of....YOU need to vote Democrat too!}
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." {But if alive, why would he be in a grave? Oh, never mind....}
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." {Let us bow our heads and have another "DUH" moment!}
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." {Ouch--see the next one!}
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." {Too bad more people don't plan their accidents better....}
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." {Wow, a "two-fer"!!}
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." {Wonder if this was verbalized, if they had the good grace to either blush or laugh at their own stupidity?}
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." {Umm, think YOU will be....}
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." {So much for Freedom of Speech!}
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." {C~B~N has only ever saluted the FLAG....seems more dignified somehow!}
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." {Umm, maybe this is WHY they can't get the budget to balance....}
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts." {Too classic!}
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." {You need MORE knowledge then!}
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." {That's good, because a nuclear suppository would really hurt that big ole as~!}
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." {Wish I could show you rolling eyes....well,
close enough! }
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
"I would like to take this time to re-irritate my remarks." {Let C~B~N reiterate: They are ALL starting to IRRITATE this retired educator! Ignorance can be overcome; Stupidity is for LIFE.}
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C~B~N is LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I resent your insinuendoes." {New word! Insinuate + inuendos = insinuendoes!}
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." {Oxymoron = elected to office!}
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle {I REALLY wish he'd become a Democrat...If YOU don't know what Congress is made of....YOU need to vote Democrat too!}
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." {But if alive, why would he be in a grave? Oh, never mind....}
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." {Let us bow our heads and have another "DUH" moment!}
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." {Ouch--see the next one!}
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." {Too bad more people don't plan their accidents better....}
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." {Wow, a "two-fer"!!}
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." {Wonder if this was verbalized, if they had the good grace to either blush or laugh at their own stupidity?}
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." {Umm, think YOU will be....}
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." {So much for Freedom of Speech!}
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." {C~B~N has only ever saluted the FLAG....seems more dignified somehow!}
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." {Umm, maybe this is WHY they can't get the budget to balance....}
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts." {Too classic!}
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." {You need MORE knowledge then!}
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." {That's good, because a nuclear suppository would really hurt that big ole as~!}
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." {Wish I could show you rolling eyes....well,
close enough! }
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
"I would like to take this time to re-irritate my remarks." {Let C~B~N reiterate: They are ALL starting to IRRITATE this retired educator! Ignorance can be overcome; Stupidity is for LIFE.}
Top of Page
Politician Quotes
Politician Watch
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." {Can't believe he is from MY state!!}
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
{C~B~N wishes he would change political parties and become a democrat......it's a much better fit!}
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." {C~B~N says....DUH!}
--Bill Clinton, former US president
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, former US Vice President {Gore is their Quayle!!!! LOL}
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President {This is just another "DUH" moment!}
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina {Yes, they DO this. I've seen it! If there IS a change of status, C~B~N wants to know HOW they did it!!!}
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman {Well, whew, that's a relief!!!!}
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The General and the Interviewer
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this. It is part of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too bad it didn't happen! But if you Snope it you'll find it is just another urban legend.
But how many people wouldn't LOVE the opportunity to put one of the "media" in their own hot seat!
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FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too bad it didn't happen! But if you Snope it you'll find it is just another urban legend.
But how many people wouldn't LOVE the opportunity to put one of the "media" in their own hot seat!
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Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simplicity?
Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
Heck, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
Heck, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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About Last Night, God
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.
"God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the drycleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Made me laugh!
Top of Page
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.
"God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the drycleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Made me laugh!
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Chemical Analysis of Human Elements
Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Applied Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Applied Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Top of Page
Black Gold, Texas T~~Gasoline
Notice how AFTER the elections, the prices crept higher?
Jay Leno predicted it!
"Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th."
Top 10 reasons gasoline has become the New Black Gold and you can't afford it!
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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