Get your FEMA ticket today?

I was ready to call FEMA and get mine until I noticed the fine print (sigh).

Offer void to Republicans, taxpayers, or any productive member of society.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey, I said it was politcally INCORRECT!!!!

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What's in a Billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word
'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether
you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax
money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of putting
that figure into some perspective in one of it's
releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in
the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth
on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ....It's amazing what
you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION
DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans.

Interesting number...what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of
New Orleans (every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes
in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or... if you are a family of four...your family
gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C. HELLO! Are all your calculators
broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone
Usage Charge Tax Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...We had the largest
middle class in the world...and Mom stayed home to raise
the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to press '1' for English.

What the heck happened?????

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Who Was Saved?

Hillary and Obama were on a boat.

The boat sank in a big storm.

There was no lifeboat...

Who was saved???????

America!!!

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Air Traffic

You gotta love this one even if you've never
lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy
this more than others... Southerners can be
so polite!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Atlanta ATC: Tower to Saudi Air 511 --
You are cleared to land eastbound on runway
9R

Saudi Air: Thank you Atlanta ATC.
Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be
Praised.

Atlanta ATC: Tower to Iran Air 711--
You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R.


Iran Air: Thank you Atlanta ATC.
We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. Allah is Great.

Pause...

Saudi Air: ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC

Atlanta ATC: Go ahead Saudi Air 511.

Saudi Air: YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH
OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE
DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION
COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.


Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts.

And praise Jesus.

Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us


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Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member
of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax
itself into prosperity is like a man standing
in a bucket and trying to lift himself up
by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

Democracy must be something more
than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

A government which robs Peter to pay
Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of
Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government
is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

A liberal is someone who feels a great
debt to his fellow man, which debt he
proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist
(1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy
could be summed up in a few short
phrases:If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving,
regulate it. And if it stops moving,
subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the
government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive
now, wait until you see what it costs
when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists
of taking as much money as possible from
one party of the citizens
to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an
interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is
safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary
canal, with a happy appetite atone end
and no responsibility at
the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the blessings.The
inherent blessing of socialism is
the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man
and a taxidermist is that thetaxidermist
leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men
from the effects of folly is to fillthe world
with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American
criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more
unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you
everything you want, is strong enough
to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

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Immigration

Texas Poll

The latest poll taken by the office
of the Governor of Texas asked
whether people who live in Texas
think illegal immigration is a
serious problem:

35% of respondents answered:
"Yes, it is a serious problem."

65% of respondents answered:
"No es una problema seria."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas Republicans [Not sure why Democrats
weren't invited to vote on it?] are being asked
to vote "Yes" or "No" on three propositions this
year.

The results will assist the Republican Party,
candidates, and elected officials in crafting
future laws and policies:

Proposition 1 - Immigration:
Federal, state and local officials should be
required to enforce U.S. immigration laws
in order to secure our borders.

6,717 Yes
110 No

[These were the only figures I could find so
may not be representative of the entire
state voting...at least I pray not! Even with
the horrendous weather the last
few days, voting day was sunny but cold.
WHERE are the voters????]

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Politics as Usual

Politics Explained as Cows

SOCIALISM
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes them
both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes them
and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk,
and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE
You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to
produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised
when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point that you must sell them both in order to pay
the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illegal Immigration Solution

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked
her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
them all a cow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes
the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best; everything inside them
is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know,
I like construction workers...those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and
the head and butt are interchangeable."

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The Ten Commandments Removed Again

The Ten Commandments display was
recently removed from the Alabama
Supreme Court building.

There was a good reason for the move.

You can't post:

Thou Shalt Not Steal
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
and Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and
politicians without creating
a hostile work environment.


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Out of the mouths of Stupid People

It's not true....you can snope it here: Snopes.com

But it SOUNDS like it could be true! And it's just plain funny. If you go by Leno on the street, it ain't that far-fetched!


A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane?!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

[C~B~N took a call one time from some yankee lady working for some insurance conglomerate who wanted to speak to a billing dept for a Dr.'s office. I explained the office was not in yet but if she would call back at 8am they would be in and could transfer her call to billing. She said it was already 8am. I inquired from where she was calling and it was like Michigan. I explained we are CST {central standard time} and were an hour behind her timewise that it was only 7:15am. She then proceeded to argue with me going so far as to state I needed to learn how to tell time! I told her POLITELY one more time to call back in 45 minutes as it would then be 8am in the STATE OF TEXAS and hung up on the crazy fool!!!]

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it, I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal ), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

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Priceless

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