1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! (This one I could use~~I'm constantly swooping down to wipe up the floor pattern!!!!)
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. (Yeah, but then you have to BUY tupperware. Butter dishes are only pennies AND you get butter!)
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill. (Sell them to that teenager who wants the 'ripped' look and will pay $50 for them!!! There's a SUCKER born every minute...!)
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty. (Nope, this is a FEMALE one; not a guy one!!!)
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.
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Saturday, January 13, 2007
MORE Stupid Political Quotes
Don't know who said them....but I've no doubt they could've been said! This came from an Arcamax daily funny. They received it from a reader and therefore were unable to verify if these were really said....out loud....by the "SMART" people running OUR country!!!
C~B~N is LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I resent your insinuendoes." {New word! Insinuate + inuendos = insinuendoes!}
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." {Oxymoron = elected to office!}
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle {I REALLY wish he'd become a Democrat...If YOU don't know what Congress is made of....YOU need to vote Democrat too!}
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." {But if alive, why would he be in a grave? Oh, never mind....}
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." {Let us bow our heads and have another "DUH" moment!}
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." {Ouch--see the next one!}
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." {Too bad more people don't plan their accidents better....}
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." {Wow, a "two-fer"!!}
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." {Wonder if this was verbalized, if they had the good grace to either blush or laugh at their own stupidity?}
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." {Umm, think YOU will be....}
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." {So much for Freedom of Speech!}
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." {C~B~N has only ever saluted the FLAG....seems more dignified somehow!}
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." {Umm, maybe this is WHY they can't get the budget to balance....}
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts." {Too classic!}
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." {You need MORE knowledge then!}
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." {That's good, because a nuclear suppository would really hurt that big ole as~!}
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." {Wish I could show you rolling eyes....well,
close enough! }
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
"I would like to take this time to re-irritate my remarks." {Let C~B~N reiterate: They are ALL starting to IRRITATE this retired educator! Ignorance can be overcome; Stupidity is for LIFE.}
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C~B~N is LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I resent your insinuendoes." {New word! Insinuate + inuendos = insinuendoes!}
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." {Oxymoron = elected to office!}
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle {I REALLY wish he'd become a Democrat...If YOU don't know what Congress is made of....YOU need to vote Democrat too!}
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." {But if alive, why would he be in a grave? Oh, never mind....}
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." {Let us bow our heads and have another "DUH" moment!}
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." {Ouch--see the next one!}
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." {Too bad more people don't plan their accidents better....}
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." {Wow, a "two-fer"!!}
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." {Wonder if this was verbalized, if they had the good grace to either blush or laugh at their own stupidity?}
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." {Umm, think YOU will be....}
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." {So much for Freedom of Speech!}
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." {C~B~N has only ever saluted the FLAG....seems more dignified somehow!}
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." {Umm, maybe this is WHY they can't get the budget to balance....}
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts." {Too classic!}
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." {You need MORE knowledge then!}
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." {That's good, because a nuclear suppository would really hurt that big ole as~!}
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." {Wish I could show you rolling eyes....well,
close enough! }
"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
"I would like to take this time to re-irritate my remarks." {Let C~B~N reiterate: They are ALL starting to IRRITATE this retired educator! Ignorance can be overcome; Stupidity is for LIFE.}
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Politician Quotes
Politician Watch
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." {Can't believe he is from MY state!!}
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
{C~B~N wishes he would change political parties and become a democrat......it's a much better fit!}
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." {C~B~N says....DUH!}
--Bill Clinton, former US president
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, former US Vice President {Gore is their Quayle!!!! LOL}
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President {This is just another "DUH" moment!}
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina {Yes, they DO this. I've seen it! If there IS a change of status, C~B~N wants to know HOW they did it!!!}
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman {Well, whew, that's a relief!!!!}
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The General and the Interviewer
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this. It is part of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too bad it didn't happen! But if you Snope it you'll find it is just another urban legend.
But how many people wouldn't LOVE the opportunity to put one of the "media" in their own hot seat!
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FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too bad it didn't happen! But if you Snope it you'll find it is just another urban legend.
But how many people wouldn't LOVE the opportunity to put one of the "media" in their own hot seat!
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Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simplicity?
Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
Heck, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
Heck, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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About Last Night, God
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.
"God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the drycleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Made me laugh!
Top of Page
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.
"God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the drycleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Made me laugh!
Top of Page
Chemical Analysis of Human Elements
Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Applied Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Top of Page
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Applied Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Top of Page
Black Gold, Texas T~~Gasoline
Notice how AFTER the elections, the prices crept higher?
Jay Leno predicted it!
"Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th."
Top 10 reasons gasoline has become the New Black Gold and you can't afford it!
10.
9.
8.
7.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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