We've got to pause and ask
ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
(Me and mine need 99.9% clean air
mr. iacocca; you and yours, on
the other hand, may have my
.1% I don't need.....)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever,
because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
USA contest.
(Think she won? Who remembers?
Who cares?)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey --
(Gee, what a thoughtful, sensitive
person!)
*******************************
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've
lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
(Think she got the job?)
Top of Page
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Visual Statistics
Running the Numbers
An American Self-Portrait
This new series looks at contemporary
American culture through the austere
lens of statistics.
Each image portrays a specific
quantity of something: fifteen million
sheets of office paper (five minutes of
paper use); 106,000 aluminum cans
(thirty seconds of can consumption)
and so on.
My hope is that images representing
these quantities might have a different
effect than the raw numbers alone,
such as we find daily in articles and
books. Statistics can feel abstract
and anesthetizing, making it difficult
to connect with and make meaning
of 3.6 million SUV sales in one year,
for example, or 2.3 million Americans
in prison, or 426,000 cell phones
retired every day.
This project visually examines these
vast and bizarre measures of our
society, in large intricately detailed
prints assembled from thousands of
smaller photographs.
My only caveat about this series is
that the prints must be seen in person
to be experienced the way they are
intended. As with any large artwork,
their scale carries a vital part of their
substance which is lost in these little
web images.
Hopefully the JPEGs displayed here
might be enough to arouse your
curiosity to attend an exhibition, or
to arrange one if you are in a position
to do so. The series is a work in progress,
and new images will be posted as they
are completed, so please stay tuned.
~chris jordan, Seattle, 2007
Chris Jordan art
Top of Page
An American Self-Portrait
This new series looks at contemporary
American culture through the austere
lens of statistics.
Each image portrays a specific
quantity of something: fifteen million
sheets of office paper (five minutes of
paper use); 106,000 aluminum cans
(thirty seconds of can consumption)
and so on.
My hope is that images representing
these quantities might have a different
effect than the raw numbers alone,
such as we find daily in articles and
books. Statistics can feel abstract
and anesthetizing, making it difficult
to connect with and make meaning
of 3.6 million SUV sales in one year,
for example, or 2.3 million Americans
in prison, or 426,000 cell phones
retired every day.
This project visually examines these
vast and bizarre measures of our
society, in large intricately detailed
prints assembled from thousands of
smaller photographs.
My only caveat about this series is
that the prints must be seen in person
to be experienced the way they are
intended. As with any large artwork,
their scale carries a vital part of their
substance which is lost in these little
web images.
Hopefully the JPEGs displayed here
might be enough to arouse your
curiosity to attend an exhibition, or
to arrange one if you are in a position
to do so. The series is a work in progress,
and new images will be posted as they
are completed, so please stay tuned.
~chris jordan, Seattle, 2007
Chris Jordan art
Top of Page
Beer
Two Arabs boarded a flight out
of New York after a hockey game.
One sat in the window seat and
the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American
got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked
his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I think
I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the American,
"I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the
Arabs picked up the American's
shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the beer,
the other Arab said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the American obligingly
went to fetch the beer and while
he was gone the other Arab picked
up the American's other shoe and
spat in it.
When the American returned to
his seat, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the
American slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened .
"Why does it have to be this way?"
he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?
Top of Page
of New York after a hockey game.
One sat in the window seat and
the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American
got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked
his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I think
I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the American,
"I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the
Arabs picked up the American's
shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the beer,
the other Arab said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the American obligingly
went to fetch the beer and while
he was gone the other Arab picked
up the American's other shoe and
spat in it.
When the American returned to
his seat, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the
American slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened .
"Why does it have to be this way?"
he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?
Top of Page
Kill it dead!
Hewlitt Packard use to make a fantastic
printer. Having recently bought and
then returned one, I understand this
soldier's frustration...in fact, had I had
JUST a shotgun, I'da killed mine!
HP Printer and Soldiers
Top of Page
printer. Having recently bought and
then returned one, I understand this
soldier's frustration...in fact, had I had
JUST a shotgun, I'da killed mine!
HP Printer and Soldiers
Top of Page
Thoughts from a bathroom Philosopher
If pro is opposite of con, then what is
the opposite of progress?
Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of
Representatives.
Washington, D.C.
Top of Page
the opposite of progress?
Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of
Representatives.
Washington, D.C.
Top of Page
Saturday, August 11, 2007
The Bank
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer
your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person!
My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
if I am not at home .
# 7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier
# 8. To return to the main menu and
to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to
press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I Snoped it
But it was too funny NOT to blog!
Top of Page
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer
your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person!
My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
if I am not at home .
# 7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier
# 8. To return to the main menu and
to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to
press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I Snoped it
But it was too funny NOT to blog!
Top of Page
Harsh Laws?
1. There will be no special bilingual programs
in the schools, no special ballots for elections,
and all government business will be conducted
in our language.
2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote,
no matter how long they are here.
3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold
political office.
4. Foreigners will not be a burden to the
taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps,
no health care, nor any other government
assistance programs.
5. Foreigners can invest in this country,
but it must be an amount equal to 40,000
times the daily minimum wage.
6. If foreigners do come and want to buy
land that will be okay, BUT options will
be restricted. You are not allowed to own
waterfront property. That property is
reserved for citizens naturally born into
this country.
7. Foreigners may not protest; no
demonstrations, no waving a foreign
flag, no political organizing, no
"bad-mouthing" our president or his
policies. If you do you will be sent home.
8. If you do come to this country illegally,
you will be hunted down and sent straight
to jail.
Too Harsh, you say ?...
The above laws happen to be the immigration
laws of MEXICO !
Top of Page
in the schools, no special ballots for elections,
and all government business will be conducted
in our language.
2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote,
no matter how long they are here.
3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold
political office.
4. Foreigners will not be a burden to the
taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps,
no health care, nor any other government
assistance programs.
5. Foreigners can invest in this country,
but it must be an amount equal to 40,000
times the daily minimum wage.
6. If foreigners do come and want to buy
land that will be okay, BUT options will
be restricted. You are not allowed to own
waterfront property. That property is
reserved for citizens naturally born into
this country.
7. Foreigners may not protest; no
demonstrations, no waving a foreign
flag, no political organizing, no
"bad-mouthing" our president or his
policies. If you do you will be sent home.
8. If you do come to this country illegally,
you will be hunted down and sent straight
to jail.
Too Harsh, you say ?...
The above laws happen to be the immigration
laws of MEXICO !
Top of Page
Friday, August 10, 2007
FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA
(Federal Housing Administration) loan
for a client. He was told that the loan
would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title
to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to
track down.
After sending the information to FHA,
he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note
that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment
the able manner in which you prepared
and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared the
Title to the proposed collateral property
back to the year 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be
necessary to clear the title back to its
origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case
No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have Titles extended
further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property
arena, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the U.S. from France
in 1803, the year of origin identified
in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right
of Conquest from Spain. The land came
into possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of
seeking a new route to India by the then
reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the
FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son
of God. And God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana.
"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may
we have our Title?
Top of Page
(Federal Housing Administration) loan
for a client. He was told that the loan
would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title
to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to
track down.
After sending the information to FHA,
he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note
that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment
the able manner in which you prepared
and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared the
Title to the proposed collateral property
back to the year 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be
necessary to clear the title back to its
origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding Titles in Case
No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have Titles extended
further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property
arena, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the U.S. from France
in 1803, the year of origin identified
in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right
of Conquest from Spain. The land came
into possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of
seeking a new route to India by the then
reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the
FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son
of God. And God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana.
"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may
we have our Title?
Top of Page
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