The Bank

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer
your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person!

My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH


# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
if I am not at home .
# 7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier
# 8. To return to the main menu and
to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to
press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I Snoped it
But it was too funny NOT to blog!

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