What's in a Billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word
'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether
you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax
money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of putting
that figure into some perspective in one of it's
releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in
the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth
on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ....It's amazing what
you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D)
is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION
DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans.

Interesting number...what does it mean?

A. Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of
New Orleans (every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes
in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or... if you are a family of four...your family
gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C. HELLO! Are all your calculators
broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone
Usage Charge Tax Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...We had the largest
middle class in the world...and Mom stayed home to raise
the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to press '1' for English.

What the heck happened?????

Top of Page

Who Was Saved?

Hillary and Obama were on a boat.

The boat sank in a big storm.

There was no lifeboat...

Who was saved???????

America!!!

Top of Page

Air Traffic

You gotta love this one even if you've never
lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy
this more than others... Southerners can be
so polite!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Atlanta ATC: Tower to Saudi Air 511 --
You are cleared to land eastbound on runway
9R

Saudi Air: Thank you Atlanta ATC.
Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be
Praised.

Atlanta ATC: Tower to Iran Air 711--
You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R.


Iran Air: Thank you Atlanta ATC.
We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. Allah is Great.

Pause...

Saudi Air: ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC

Atlanta ATC: Go ahead Saudi Air 511.

Saudi Air: YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH
OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE
DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION
COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.


Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts.

And praise Jesus.

Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us


Top of Page

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member
of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax
itself into prosperity is like a man standing
in a bucket and trying to lift himself up
by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

Democracy must be something more
than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

A government which robs Peter to pay
Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of
Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government
is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

A liberal is someone who feels a great
debt to his fellow man, which debt he
proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist
(1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy
could be summed up in a few short
phrases:If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving,
regulate it. And if it stops moving,
subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the
government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive
now, wait until you see what it costs
when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists
of taking as much money as possible from
one party of the citizens
to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an
interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is
safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary
canal, with a happy appetite atone end
and no responsibility at
the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the blessings.The
inherent blessing of socialism is
the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man
and a taxidermist is that thetaxidermist
leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men
from the effects of folly is to fillthe world
with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American
criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more
unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you
everything you want, is strong enough
to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Top of Page

Immigration

Texas Poll

The latest poll taken by the office
of the Governor of Texas asked
whether people who live in Texas
think illegal immigration is a
serious problem:

35% of respondents answered:
"Yes, it is a serious problem."

65% of respondents answered:
"No es una problema seria."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas Republicans [Not sure why Democrats
weren't invited to vote on it?] are being asked
to vote "Yes" or "No" on three propositions this
year.

The results will assist the Republican Party,
candidates, and elected officials in crafting
future laws and policies:

Proposition 1 - Immigration:
Federal, state and local officials should be
required to enforce U.S. immigration laws
in order to secure our borders.

6,717 Yes
110 No

[These were the only figures I could find so
may not be representative of the entire
state voting...at least I pray not! Even with
the horrendous weather the last
few days, voting day was sunny but cold.
WHERE are the voters????]

Top of Page

Politics as Usual

Politics Explained as Cows

SOCIALISM
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes them
both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes them
and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. The government takes them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk,
and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE
You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to
produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised
when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. The government taxes you to
the point that you must sell them both in order to pay
the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who
has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illegal Immigration Solution

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked
her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
them all a cow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes
the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best; everything inside them
is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know,
I like construction workers...those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and
the head and butt are interchangeable."

Top of Page

The Ten Commandments Removed Again

The Ten Commandments display was
recently removed from the Alabama
Supreme Court building.

There was a good reason for the move.

You can't post:

Thou Shalt Not Steal
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
and Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and
politicians without creating
a hostile work environment.


Top of Page

Out of the mouths of Stupid People

It's not true....you can snope it here: Snopes.com

But it SOUNDS like it could be true! And it's just plain funny. If you go by Leno on the street, it ain't that far-fetched!


A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane?!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

[C~B~N took a call one time from some yankee lady working for some insurance conglomerate who wanted to speak to a billing dept for a Dr.'s office. I explained the office was not in yet but if she would call back at 8am they would be in and could transfer her call to billing. She said it was already 8am. I inquired from where she was calling and it was like Michigan. I explained we are CST {central standard time} and were an hour behind her timewise that it was only 7:15am. She then proceeded to argue with me going so far as to state I needed to learn how to tell time! I told her POLITELY one more time to call back in 45 minutes as it would then be 8am in the STATE OF TEXAS and hung up on the crazy fool!!!]

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it, I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal ), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Top of Page

Priceless

Top of Page

Some should keep their mouths shut

We've got to pause and ask
ourselves: How much clean air
do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
(Me and mine need 99.9% clean air
mr. iacocca; you and yours, on
the other hand, may have my
.1% I don't need.....)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever,
because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
USA contest.
(Think she won? Who remembers?
Who cares?)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey --
(Gee, what a thoughtful, sensitive
person!)

*******************************

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've
lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
(Think she got the job?)

Top of Page

Visual Statistics

Running the Numbers
An American Self-Portrait

This new series looks at contemporary
American culture through the austere
lens of statistics.

Each image portrays a specific
quantity of something: fifteen million
sheets of office paper (five minutes of
paper use); 106,000 aluminum cans
(thirty seconds of can consumption)
and so on.

My hope is that images representing
these quantities might have a different
effect than the raw numbers alone,
such as we find daily in articles and
books. Statistics can feel abstract
and anesthetizing, making it difficult
to connect with and make meaning
of 3.6 million SUV sales in one year,
for example, or 2.3 million Americans
in prison, or 426,000 cell phones
retired every day.

This project visually examines these
vast and bizarre measures of our
society, in large intricately detailed
prints assembled from thousands of
smaller photographs.

My only caveat about this series is
that the prints must be seen in person
to be experienced the way they are
intended. As with any large artwork,
their scale carries a vital part of their
substance which is lost in these little
web images.

Hopefully the JPEGs displayed here
might be enough to arouse your
curiosity to attend an exhibition, or
to arrange one if you are in a position
to do so. The series is a work in progress,
and new images will be posted as they
are completed, so please stay tuned.

~chris jordan, Seattle, 2007

Chris Jordan art

Top of Page

Beer

Two Arabs boarded a flight out
of New York after a hockey game.
One sat in the window seat and
the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an American
got on and took the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked
his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I think
I'll get up and get a beer."

"No problem," said the American,
"I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the
Arabs picked up the American's
shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the beer,
the other Arab said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the American obligingly
went to fetch the beer and while
he was gone the other Arab picked
up the American's other shoe and
spat in it.

When the American returned to
his seat, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the
American slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened .

"Why does it have to be this way?"
he asked.

"How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?


Top of Page

Kill it dead!

Hewlitt Packard use to make a fantastic
printer. Having recently bought and
then returned one, I understand this
soldier's frustration...in fact, had I had
JUST a shotgun, I'da killed mine!

HP Printer and Soldiers

Top of Page

Thoughts from a bathroom Philosopher

If pro is opposite of con, then what is
the opposite of progress?

Congress!

- Men's restroom, House of
Representatives.
Washington, D.C.

Top of Page

The Bank

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer
your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person!

My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate. Be aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH


# 1. To make an appointment to see me
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
if I am not at home .
# 7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier
# 8. To return to the main menu and
to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to
press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting
up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I Snoped it
But it was too funny NOT to blog!

Top of Page

Harsh Laws?

1. There will be no special bilingual programs
in the schools, no special ballots for elections,
and all government business will be conducted
in our language.

2. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote,
no matter how long they are here.

3. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold
political office.

4. Foreigners will not be a burden to the
taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps,
no health care, nor any other government
assistance programs.

5. Foreigners can invest in this country,
but it must be an amount equal to 40,000
times the daily minimum wage.

6. If foreigners do come and want to buy
land that will be okay, BUT options will
be restricted. You are not allowed to own
waterfront property. That property is
reserved for citizens naturally born into
this country.

7. Foreigners may not protest; no
demonstrations, no waving a foreign
flag, no political organizing, no
"bad-mouthing" our president or his
policies. If you do you will be sent home.

8. If you do come to this country illegally,
you will be hunted down and sent straight
to jail.

Too Harsh, you say ?...

The above laws happen to be the immigration
laws of MEXICO !

Top of Page

FHA Loan

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA
(Federal Housing Administration) loan
for a client. He was told that the loan
would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property
being offered as collateral. The title
to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to
track down.

After sending the information to FHA,
he received the following reply:
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note
that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment
the able manner in which you prepared
and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared the
Title to the proposed collateral property
back to the year 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be
necessary to clear the title back to its
origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding Titles in Case
No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have Titles extended
further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country,
particularly those working in the property
arena, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the U.S. from France
in 1803, the year of origin identified
in our application.

"For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from
France, which had acquired it by Right
of Conquest from Spain. The land came
into possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of
seeking a new route to India by the then
reigning monarch, Isabella.

"The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the
FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels
to fund Columbus' expedition.

"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know,
is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son
of God. And God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is
safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana.

"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may
we have our Title?


Top of Page

Price of oil

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania

and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions ???

NO?

I didn't Think So.


Top of Page

The Tax Man Cometh

C~B~N is LOL as this is exactly MY case! Really, ID theft could only help! LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand.



"The poll tax," he said.



"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.



"Ay-yuh," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A young whippersnapper of an I.R.S. auditor decides to make a name for himself by auditing a synogogue. He goes over their books with a microscope, insisting that the Rabbi explain every detail of running the syngogue, down to what they do with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, habdalah, and Hannukah candles.

The Rabbi is more than happy to show the irritating little beaurocrat that nothing goes to waste, so he explains that all the wax drippings are saved, then shipped back to the candle factory, who sends the synogogue a little pack of free candles with their next order.

"What about the Matzo crumbs from the Passover?" the IRS auditor asks him.

That's easy the Rabbi answers with a twinkle in his eye. We send them back to the kosher bakery, and they send us back a little extra matzo with our next order.

The obnoxious auditor is determined to get the best of the Rabbi. "I know you're a Moyel as well as a Rabbi", he says. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?

The Rabbi smiles. "We send them off to Washington D.C. and they send us back a little prick like you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Hey, this IS a politically "incorrect" funny bone tickler!!





~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Top of Page

My new Lexus

I got a new Lexus 350 for Christmas and returned it to the
dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from
the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia On My
Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say,"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles,"I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my
new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, "A~~ Holes!" Immediately the French National
Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara
Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie
Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan
Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry
Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Man! I LOVE this car!

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