The Tax Man Cometh

C~B~N is LOL as this is exactly MY case! Really, ID theft could only help! LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand.



"The poll tax," he said.



"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.



"Ay-yuh," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A young whippersnapper of an I.R.S. auditor decides to make a name for himself by auditing a synogogue. He goes over their books with a microscope, insisting that the Rabbi explain every detail of running the syngogue, down to what they do with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, habdalah, and Hannukah candles.

The Rabbi is more than happy to show the irritating little beaurocrat that nothing goes to waste, so he explains that all the wax drippings are saved, then shipped back to the candle factory, who sends the synogogue a little pack of free candles with their next order.

"What about the Matzo crumbs from the Passover?" the IRS auditor asks him.

That's easy the Rabbi answers with a twinkle in his eye. We send them back to the kosher bakery, and they send us back a little extra matzo with our next order.

The obnoxious auditor is determined to get the best of the Rabbi. "I know you're a Moyel as well as a Rabbi", he says. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?

The Rabbi smiles. "We send them off to Washington D.C. and they send us back a little prick like you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Hey, this IS a politically "incorrect" funny bone tickler!!





~~~~~~~~~~~~~




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My new Lexus

I got a new Lexus 350 for Christmas and returned it to the
dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from
the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia On My
Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd
say,"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles,"I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my
new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, "A~~ Holes!" Immediately the French National
Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara
Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie
Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan
Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry
Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Man! I LOVE this car!

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Home Economics For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! (This one I could use~~I'm constantly swooping down to wipe up the floor pattern!!!!)

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. (Yeah, but then you have to BUY tupperware. Butter dishes are only pennies AND you get butter!)

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill. (Sell them to that teenager who wants the 'ripped' look and will pay $50 for them!!! There's a SUCKER born every minute...!)

15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.

16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty. (Nope, this is a FEMALE one; not a guy one!!!)

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

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MORE Stupid Political Quotes

Don't know who said them....but I've no doubt they could've been said! This came from an Arcamax daily funny. They received it from a reader and therefore were unable to verify if these were really said....out loud....by the "SMART" people running OUR country!!!

C~B~N is LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I resent your insinuendoes." {New word! Insinuate + inuendos = insinuendoes!}

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same." {Oxymoron = elected to office!}

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle {I REALLY wish he'd become a Democrat...If YOU don't know what Congress is made of....YOU need to vote Democrat too!}

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." {But if alive, why would he be in a grave? Oh, never mind....}

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." {Let us bow our heads and have another "DUH" moment!}

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it." {Ouch--see the next one!}



"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." {Too bad more people don't plan their accidents better....}

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility." {Wow, a "two-fer"!!}

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators." {Wonder if this was verbalized, if they had the good grace to either blush or laugh at their own stupidity?}

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there." {Umm, think YOU will be....}

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut." {So much for Freedom of Speech!}

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." {C~B~N has only ever saluted the FLAG....seems more dignified somehow!}

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13." {Umm, maybe this is WHY they can't get the budget to balance....}

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts." {Too classic!}

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." {You need MORE knowledge then!}

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." {That's good, because a nuclear suppository would really hurt that big ole as~!}

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." {Wish I could show you rolling eyes....well,
close enough! }

"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."

"I would like to take this time to re-irritate my remarks." {Let C~B~N reiterate: They are ALL starting to IRRITATE this retired educator! Ignorance can be overcome; Stupidity is for LIFE.}


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Politician Quotes

Politician Watch

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." {Can't believe he is from MY state!!}
--A congressional candidate in Texas.



"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
{C~B~N wishes he would change political parties and become a democrat......it's a much better fit!}


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." {C~B~N says....DUH!}
--Bill Clinton, former US president


"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, former US Vice President {Gore is their Quayle!!!! LOL}

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President {This is just another "DUH" moment!}


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina {Yes, they DO this. I've seen it! If there IS a change of status, C~B~N wants to know HOW they did it!!!}


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman {Well, whew, that's a relief!!!!}





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The General and the Interviewer

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this. It is part of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too bad it didn't happen! But if you Snope it you'll find it is just another urban legend.

But how many people wouldn't LOVE the opportunity to put one of the "media" in their own hot seat!


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Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simplicity?

Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park
Heck, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


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About Last Night, God

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.

"God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the drycleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 PM he was exhausted and though his chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, " Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, O Lord please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll have to wait 9 months, though.

You got pregnant last night!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Made me laugh!

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Chemical Analysis of Human Elements

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element name: MAN
Symbol: XY

Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Applied Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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Black Gold, Texas T~~Gasoline

Notice how AFTER the elections, the prices crept higher?

Jay Leno predicted it!

"Oil has fallen to $60 a barrel. Experts predict it will continue to fall until exactly one minute after the polls close on November 7th."

Top 10 reasons gasoline has become the New Black Gold and you can't afford it!

10.

9.

8.

7.

6
.C~B~N Remembers 84¢ a gallon in the late 90's!!






5.






4.







3.




2.




1.







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WE FOUND NEMO!!!!

AAAAgggghhhhh!!!!!

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Ponderings....

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

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Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

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More Government Interference: The Story of Creation

Despite appearances, C~B~N truly is not
anti-government; just against anti-stupidity
which unfortunately, the government
has in abundance. It's like they check
their common sense in with their coats.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

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Working for the Government

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back.

Now just because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."

~~~Come on, I know you laughed! How about this one then?~~~

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so

they laid off the night watchman.

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Language Lesson

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it's because we arranged it so that you didn't have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

from Arcamax Joke a Day


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The Soldier and the professor

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at theMarine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid sh~t and act like an a~sh~l~.

So, He sent me."

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The Political Wit of Maxine

Maxine is done by cartoonist John Wagner

Check out his other "Maxine" books at Amazon: Amazon

or at Barnes and Noble


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The evils of the Bush administration......

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my homes.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein



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